Bush
100 Predictions
Written: February 1st, 2001
There are a lot of experts in every subject know to man. I am just a layman - i.e. expert at nothing. In fact, every time I proclaimed to have mastered all the Talmudic issues about anything, the Almighty has rubbed my face in the dirt. Further, it has been rubbed so many times that I have begun to look brown. So then why would I predict anything about future - like the next four years of Bush presidency? Here is my rationale: One looks at past numbers and then draws a graph to extrapolate in Statistics. That’s a bit like looking in the future. In the stock market no one knows about anything, even the insiders can be wrong and have been know to loose money, but the analysts shamelessly predict. They come up with all sorts of technical indices and tell the people that it is more than gambling and people do become billionaires. Thus it is possible to predict a few things about George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States and call them truths and nothing but the truths. It is a bit like the thousand points of light, but you can’t pin point a point - by definition. Remember that a point in mathematics is an entity, which has no dimensions. A line has one dimension; a plane has two dimensions and so on. I am going to predict precisely 100 things about our new President and by definition can’t be wrong. Some of it is my wishful thinking as well.Focussing on the family matters and religious issues first, here are a few:
1. He will live for the next four years - God blesses him.
2. At least one of his kids will get married - a White House marriage in a long time.
3. At least one grand child will be born - His father will become Great grand father.
4. Mr. Bush will be faithful to his wife - an Intern will not seduce him.
5. His wife will win the hearts of the American feminists - at least a few.
6. His wife will be more popular than Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.
7. Unlike his father, Dana Carvey will make no money off George W.
8. Relative to Mr. Clinton, American Comics shall remain scandal Hungary.
9. The Bush Clan will be regarded as America’s model Christian family.
10. Unlike Clinton’s, Bush’s spiritual mentor will not have an illegitimate child.
11. Other than cosmetics, he will not touch the abortion issue.
12. He will keep status quo on school prayers.
13. Religion, politics, science and time will all be in harmony as in a book of poetry called "Tiambic".
Now lets move to domestic policy issues:
14. He will have no overarching domestic policy.
15. Bush’s education policy will be without vouchers.
16. The Sierra Club will not like his environmental policy.
17. His energy policy will be deregulation and without any energy.
18. His oil exploration policy will be decided in the corporate boardrooms.
19. Ralph Nader will curse him for four years but God will side with Bush.
20. His health care policies will make Democrats sick.
21. His drug policy will be to simply say "NO".
22. Bush’s attempts to fix social security will be liked by the young.
23. Bush and John McCaine will fight on campaign reform - again.
24. Bush will tell Cheney to fix Reform Party’s heart and return ‘em to Republicans.
25. Others will use Bush name to articulate their own policy.
26. As a matter of policy blacks will never like Bush - even if he turned black.
27. Bush will push for and get a tax relief for you and me.
28. During the next four years he will appoint a new Fed Chairman.
29. Bush will be remembered as "Education President" (it is my wish - unsure).
Sailing smoothly along to Defense and Foreign Affairs:
30. Bush’s man Colin Powell will be no John Foster Dulles.
31. Bush will modernize military in a big way. Rumsfeld will do it.
32. There will be lots of technology but no Wars on the stars.
33. Florida’s Secretary of State will do something else.
34. Bush will not touch Middle East with a ten-foot pole (for four years).
35. Despite prayers he will not have identical fingerprints with Putin.
36. Chinese will mange their affairs as in the last five thousand years - with Bush.
37. Bush will memorize India’s billion names.
38. His Secretary of State will memorize Pakistani Generals names.
39. He will continue to think that "Kashmir" is some kind of a rug or a scarf.
40. He will meet Nelson Mandella - Charles Wrangle will make "no comment".
41. He will appoint more black ambassadors than any other president before him.
42. Bush will continue to treat United Nations as no-body.
43. He will reverse Clinton policy on Afghanistan (it is my wish - I am unsure).
44. He will greet Tony Blair and ask if a new baby is on the way.
45. The Queen of England will ask Charles to play Cricket with MR. Bush.
46. He will be told that the word "Fuhrer" in German still means the "leader".
47. He will speak French in the Louisiana way igniting the French.
48. He will visit Japan and following his father, "vomit" on the premier.
49. During his term no new war will break out.
50. Saddam and Bush will not get along.
51. He will continue to hate Iranians.
52. He will tell Castro to go to hell.
53. He will not be friendly with any country whose first lady owns two thousand pairs of shoes.
54. He will ask Colin Powell "hey what’s a Kabila".
55. He will not rent Lincoln Bedroom to any foreigner.
Moving right along on his relationship with the Senate:
56. He will have a 51:50 relationship with the Senate.
57. Mr. Bush and Republicans will retain control of both houses midway.
Now to the relations with the fourth branch of the government:
58. "New York Times" shall be affixed on MR. Bush’s bathroom door.
59. He will continue to hate the camera angle on "Larry King Live" that makes Larry look like an Egyptian mummy.
60. Press will consider him very bright after he interviews with Dan Rather and calls him the same name as his father did.
61. Press will always be on the lookout for a gaffe by Mr. Bush.
62. He will never make spelling mistakes while cameras are rolling.
63. As predicted Barbara Walters has already interviewed him.
64. I forget the name of the oldest lady in the red jacket - but she is a regular in the Whitehouse pressroom (Bush will call her Madam "Yoda").
65. The Washington Post will call these the most boring four years since Eisenhower.
66. His daughters shall remain off-limits - the way it should be.
67. His wife will write a book and the press will like it.
68. Mr. Bush will not read that book.
69. Lastly, the Press will count the Florida Ballot for the next four years.
His Relations with professional pollsters:
70. Democratic pollsters will always have bad statistics for Mr. Bush.
71. Republican pollsters will have reaction to the bad statistics in favor of Bush.
72. Democrats will have reaction to the reaction to further tease him.
73. He will know regression analysis as a result.
74. He will learn Bose-Einstein Statistics where elementary particles called Bosons have integral values of the quantum mechanical property called "spin".
75. Bush will order that pollsters henceforth be called Bozos.
His Relationship with the Courts:
76. His next Supreme Court nominee will be a big mess.
77. Bush will not nominate John Ashcroft as a Supreme Court Justice.
78. He will always love the five SC Justices who voted to end the Florida count.
79. He will always hate the Florida Supreme Court - all of it.
80. He will appoint no woman as tall as Janet Reno.
81. All things not already illegal shall remain legal during Bush’s tenure.
His relationship with ordinary Americans:
82. Like his predecessors, Mr. Bush will be kept away from ordinary Americans.
83. They will only see him on TV.
84. Those fortunate enough to see him in person will be searched so thoroughly, they would giggle and wouldn’t want to see him ever again.
85. He wouldn’t be allowed to stop by in an ordinary American’s house in the hinterlands and see for himself how an American family survives.
86. He will not be allowed to ride a roller coaster (even if he wanted to).
87. Instead of visiting a zoo, he will visit the Congress - of particular interest will be five hundred plus guardian angels - sometimes referred to as guerillas.
88. His life will be nothing like an ordinary American (kind of sad?).
Finally, I would like to list some axiomatic predictions about Mr. Bush that may be stolen by other writers for other presidents.
89. He will not always be right.
90. He will not always be content.
91. He will not always tell the truth.
92. He will not always be honest.
93. He will not always be powerful.
94. He will never live like the poorest in his country.
95. He will never travel in outer space (meaning go crazy).
96. He will not be spit upon.
97. He will not be idolized.
98. He will not catch every mistake - the buck will not always stop at his desk.
99. He will not always be President.
100. He will never achieve a higher office in this world.
© Copyright 2001 Sifwat Ali. All Rights Reserved
